Saturday, April 27, 2013

Leaving Iowa and the Memories...

I have decided that I want to move out of Iowa this summer. I really want to move to California.

I am moving there for me.

I know when I try to explain this to people, they won't understand.

As soon as they hear, California, they will think...Jacob. "Are you guys back together?" "Are you moving there to be with him?" I can already hear the questions they will be asking.

This makes me sad...

I am tired of living in Iowa. There are so many memories here of Jacob and I. I need to let go of those memories. Let go of the past. I know people won't understand that because yes, Jacob lives in California but it isn't about him anymore. It's about me.

Sure, at this current moment, I hope things may work out someday between us but I can't say for sure that it will happen. A lot of things would need to be different on both our parts. I can't wait around for him to decide if he wants this, wants to try, or that I am worth it. In 7 months, who knows how we will both feel.

I am afraid to let go, in fear that as soon as I do, he will come back. I am not a fan of big changes and I am afraid to be without him in the long run. I need to let go of that fear and focus on myself. Focus on what I want. Focus on me.

California is a big place. Sunshine and the ocean makes me happy. I understand that this probably sounds silly to a lot of people but this is something that I need to do for myself. I have no idea what my future holds right now.. I am still young and can go anywhere, so I am going too.

I know my family won't understand at all. I am not sure how they will react when last time this was brought up, I was with Jacob. They said they would not support me at all and I would be on my own. As much as this hurts my feelings, I would still go. I don't want to regret not doing something for myself just to make them happy..

I know it is going to take a lot of hard work and preparation on my part to get everything set to move. There are so many unknown factors and part of me is scared to move there. Scared to be totally on my own but I am not going to let the fear stop me any longer..

As of now, I have a general idea of where I want to live but that is about all. I do not have a big budget for a place to live and I will have to find a random job until my CNA license transfers over. I have found it really challenging to find a school over the internet as their processes are a lot different than Iowa's, so I am planning on finding a school after I have moved.

This situation isn't ideal. A few months ago, I had the next year of my life planned out and then everything crumbled. I would love to get into a school right away but I'm trying not to stress out about the little things.

I am going to put myself out there, alone, and leave my future up to God. He has a plan for me and I have to stop trying to control it myself and put it in his hands...That is so much easier said than done, but I am really going to start trying. What is meant to be, will be.

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's strength, it empties today of it's strength."

Thanks for reading... xoxox

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